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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.